I've finally done it. I've hit a point where I couldn't handle anymore and I had a breakdown. Everything so overwhelming right now. I can't hardly walk for more than a few minutes without being in pain and short of breath. I am in pain all the time. I can't do much for myself. I can't clean the house or really cook. I can't pick up my kids and breastfeeding has shown to be a big challenge.
Today my home nurse came. He showed me how to give myself antibiotics. I have to flush my line then do the meds then flush again then put some blood thinner in. It's a lot. Plus, change my dressings everyday and drain my drain every 8 hours.
I feel out of control and overwhelmed. I feel helpless. My husband doesn't seen to know how to take care of me or that he needs to make me meals for me or I probably won't eat. I feel defeated. I have officially hit my breaking point. I'm angry and depressed and I feel so helpless. All I can do is cry.
03 March 2012
02 March 2012
Control
In our household I am the backbone. I make our meal plans, cook most nights, cut coupons, and do all of the groceries shopping. I am the one who makes everyone's appointments and has a planner as well as a calendar on the fridge to keep everyone on track and organized. I take Little Miss and Little Man to all appointments and am up to date on what is going on for them medically. I know Little Miss and Little Man's routines and hold them to them. I clean the house and keep everything organized. If something goes missing I usually know where it is. I am in charge of doing the Holiday shopping and clothes shopping. I know what size clothes and shoes the kids are wearing and I know what they still need for when they grow out of their current size. I set the family's budget and pay all of our bills. I may not be the breadwinner in our family but I make up for it by managing every bit of our lives.
This week I have been in the hospital. If you don't know what I'm talking about you can read my last post to find out why. I'd post a link for you but I'm updating from my phone so I can't unfortunately. Well, I've had to give up all of my control. I've had to let my husband step in and play the role of Mr. Mom. He is the one taking the kids where they need to go and getting up with Little Man at night. Little Man is having to now have formula in a bottle because I am not home to nurse him. I plan on continuing to nurse once I am released(pumping every two hours at the hospital so that I don't lose my supply) which gives me a bit of relief but this...is hard. I had to miss out on Little Miss' evaluation yesterday. I'm missing all of her therapy. I've only seen my kids about an hour total over the course of almost 3 days.
My heart is breaking as I lay in this hospital bed alone. My heart is aching to be with my children. I know I have to be strong and let my husband take control and be there for them but it is not easy for me. I want to be the one to hold them when they cry. I want to be the one to nurse my little man when he wakes up at night. I want to make Little Miss' lunches and take her to the potty when she needs to go. I want to see that look of pride on her face when she learns something new. I want to be there to see my little man as he begins his adventures in scooting and crawling. I want to see every smile and every laugh that comes from my children's mouths. I want to hug them and kiss them and play with them.
This week has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. I've had to have some pretty serious surgery and am having a very tough recovery. I've had to have a picc line put in my arm. I've had to have a drain coming out of my stomach to drain the infection out of me. I've been scared and alone.
I just want to go home. I want to feel good again. I want to be able to walk with ease. Even when I do go home I won't be to do the things I did before. I won't be able to pick up my babies or do much for them.
I don't understand why this happened to me and I'm having a hard time accepting it.
This week I have been in the hospital. If you don't know what I'm talking about you can read my last post to find out why. I'd post a link for you but I'm updating from my phone so I can't unfortunately. Well, I've had to give up all of my control. I've had to let my husband step in and play the role of Mr. Mom. He is the one taking the kids where they need to go and getting up with Little Man at night. Little Man is having to now have formula in a bottle because I am not home to nurse him. I plan on continuing to nurse once I am released(pumping every two hours at the hospital so that I don't lose my supply) which gives me a bit of relief but this...is hard. I had to miss out on Little Miss' evaluation yesterday. I'm missing all of her therapy. I've only seen my kids about an hour total over the course of almost 3 days.
My heart is breaking as I lay in this hospital bed alone. My heart is aching to be with my children. I know I have to be strong and let my husband take control and be there for them but it is not easy for me. I want to be the one to hold them when they cry. I want to be the one to nurse my little man when he wakes up at night. I want to make Little Miss' lunches and take her to the potty when she needs to go. I want to see that look of pride on her face when she learns something new. I want to be there to see my little man as he begins his adventures in scooting and crawling. I want to see every smile and every laugh that comes from my children's mouths. I want to hug them and kiss them and play with them.
This week has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. I've had to have some pretty serious surgery and am having a very tough recovery. I've had to have a picc line put in my arm. I've had to have a drain coming out of my stomach to drain the infection out of me. I've been scared and alone.
I just want to go home. I want to feel good again. I want to be able to walk with ease. Even when I do go home I won't be to do the things I did before. I won't be able to pick up my babies or do much for them.
I don't understand why this happened to me and I'm having a hard time accepting it.
29 February 2012
Emergency Surgery
I rarely go to the doctor except during pregnancy. I have to be feeling like I'm dying to go. Well Sunday night I got what I thought was a stomach ache. Over the course of Sunday night the pain got worse and had spread to my lower back. I could hardly sleep because the pain was so bad. Monday morning I debated if I should go to urgent care or not because I knew I couldn't get a same day appointment with my PCM. The only reason I went in is because the pain was so bad I couldn't take care of my kids. Husband stayed with the kids(he was sick and throwing up) and I had a friend drop me off at urgent care.
After waiting for what felt like forever I was finally seen by the doctor. They did blood work and that confirmed the doctor's suspicions. I had appendicitis. I was then taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital. My husband had a friend watch the kids and met me there. The hospital was so busy I never even got put in a room. I was on a bed in the hallway until about 7pm when I was finally taken to pre-op. My husband had to leave to go get the kids so I was on my own. I remember being taken to the OR and switching beds onto the operating table but nothing past that until I woke up in recovery.
My appendix ruptured. Had the hospital put my surgery more of a priority that may not have happened. Other than that the surgery went well. I'm not sure when I'll be able to go home but I'm hoping for tomorrow. I'm in a lot of pain and have three incisions. One of the incisions has a drain(tube stuck in my stomach to drain out the infection).
This is frustrating and scary. This is my first surgery. I miss my kids and my husband. I had to have a nurse bring me a breast pump so I don't lose my milk supply even though the milk is just getting thrown away because of the meds I'm on. My husband and kids came to see me for a short visit today and Little Miss seemed mad and confused. Little man just wanted to nurse but I couldn't nurse him.
Who knew that what I thought was just a stomach ache and I almost didn't go to the doctor for would be something so serious. The surgeon said had I not went to the doctor when I did I might have died.
So take this as a lesson. Life can change in the blink of an eye. Don't ever take life for granted.
After waiting for what felt like forever I was finally seen by the doctor. They did blood work and that confirmed the doctor's suspicions. I had appendicitis. I was then taken by ambulance to the nearest hospital. My husband had a friend watch the kids and met me there. The hospital was so busy I never even got put in a room. I was on a bed in the hallway until about 7pm when I was finally taken to pre-op. My husband had to leave to go get the kids so I was on my own. I remember being taken to the OR and switching beds onto the operating table but nothing past that until I woke up in recovery.
My appendix ruptured. Had the hospital put my surgery more of a priority that may not have happened. Other than that the surgery went well. I'm not sure when I'll be able to go home but I'm hoping for tomorrow. I'm in a lot of pain and have three incisions. One of the incisions has a drain(tube stuck in my stomach to drain out the infection).
This is frustrating and scary. This is my first surgery. I miss my kids and my husband. I had to have a nurse bring me a breast pump so I don't lose my milk supply even though the milk is just getting thrown away because of the meds I'm on. My husband and kids came to see me for a short visit today and Little Miss seemed mad and confused. Little man just wanted to nurse but I couldn't nurse him.
Who knew that what I thought was just a stomach ache and I almost didn't go to the doctor for would be something so serious. The surgeon said had I not went to the doctor when I did I might have died.
So take this as a lesson. Life can change in the blink of an eye. Don't ever take life for granted.
27 February 2012
Brag on my Little People
Things are crazy. So much unknown and uncertainty. But in the midst of my crazy I am excited to tell you that my Little Man is down to two feedings a night although he is still waking up 4-5 times. It is so wonderful because I know he needs better sleep and not to eat at night. When he is not nursing at night I am able to rock him to get him to calm down then put him in his crib and he is fine. Right now he's eating at around 2am and again at around 6:45. I have to say though...I'm seriously going to miss seeing his cute face every 1-2 hours. The other night he only woke up once and I missed him while he was sleeping:(
My little man is growing up so fast....I am so not ready for him to get older. He is also now scooting across the floor which is huge. I am just so proud. It's weird though, because with Little Miss she was so behind on everything. I'm not used to having an 8 month old who's mobile. Things are about to get a lot crazier now that he is on the move but that's okay because it means that he is on track with development!
Little Miss is also completely potty trained other than a diaper at night. She even wears her undies during naptime! So proud of my girl. She might be developmentally delayed but she sure is a smarty! Girl potty trained herself in like a week max. She continues to surprise me everyday. Now she says 'I want..." instead of just saying 'sippy'. She has also started calling my husband and I by our first names haha She is talking so much and really starting put things together in her head. She has these times where it's like a little epiphany in her head. She gets so excited and proud of herself. I love watching her learn new things. She has an evaluation on Thursday to see what she will qualify for for school. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but she has been referred to a state run pre-school for kids with special needs. We aren't sure if she'll qualify for a full day or just a few days a week or what and her evaluation is on Thursday. Now, the idea of my little girl being gone at school every day from 9-2 freaks me out but if it's what's best for her...then we will do it. Apart of me wants her to qualify for a full day because I know it would be so beneficial for her but at the same time I want her to not qualify because that will mean she is doing too good to have to go...
My little man is growing up so fast....I am so not ready for him to get older. He is also now scooting across the floor which is huge. I am just so proud. It's weird though, because with Little Miss she was so behind on everything. I'm not used to having an 8 month old who's mobile. Things are about to get a lot crazier now that he is on the move but that's okay because it means that he is on track with development!
Little Miss is also completely potty trained other than a diaper at night. She even wears her undies during naptime! So proud of my girl. She might be developmentally delayed but she sure is a smarty! Girl potty trained herself in like a week max. She continues to surprise me everyday. Now she says 'I want..." instead of just saying 'sippy'. She has also started calling my husband and I by our first names haha She is talking so much and really starting put things together in her head. She has these times where it's like a little epiphany in her head. She gets so excited and proud of herself. I love watching her learn new things. She has an evaluation on Thursday to see what she will qualify for for school. I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before but she has been referred to a state run pre-school for kids with special needs. We aren't sure if she'll qualify for a full day or just a few days a week or what and her evaluation is on Thursday. Now, the idea of my little girl being gone at school every day from 9-2 freaks me out but if it's what's best for her...then we will do it. Apart of me wants her to qualify for a full day because I know it would be so beneficial for her but at the same time I want her to not qualify because that will mean she is doing too good to have to go...
23 February 2012
Stress
I am stressed. Like really, really stressed. Like so stressed I feel like my head is going to explode. With less than two months but more than one month(wish I could give exact dates here but I can't) left until my husband deploys I have a list a mile long of things to get done. I have no family here and very few friends. Easter, Little Miss' 3rd birthday, and Little Man's 1st birthday will all be missed by my husband. I'm going to try to make these days special for my kids even if it ends up just being the 3 of us celebrating. I just want to be strong for them. I want to create a stable environment for them while he is gone because I know this will be very hard on them.
My husband is on night shift until he deploys. I'm getting little to no sleep. Little man nurses every 1-2 hours at night.
I'm exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed. I'm pushing through.
It's amazing how we are able to find strength in ourselves when we have no other choice but to be strong.
My husband is on night shift until he deploys. I'm getting little to no sleep. Little man nurses every 1-2 hours at night.
I'm exhausted, stressed, and overwhelmed. I'm pushing through.
It's amazing how we are able to find strength in ourselves when we have no other choice but to be strong.
22 February 2012
Deployment #2...For real this time
So deployment #2....just found out today and should have official orders very soon as he leaves VERY soon. Oh wow, I am certainly not ready for this.
He is going to the miss both kid's birthdays. We had to reschedule our family pictures.
We were hoping he would cross train asap but with deployment...who knows when that will happen...
I started this blog just before our first deployment 2 years ago as a way to cope and it has helped me through so much. So here we go again.
I have a whole list of things to get done before he leaves....I feel so overwhelmed.
He is going to the miss both kid's birthdays. We had to reschedule our family pictures.
We were hoping he would cross train asap but with deployment...who knows when that will happen...
I started this blog just before our first deployment 2 years ago as a way to cope and it has helped me through so much. So here we go again.
I have a whole list of things to get done before he leaves....I feel so overwhelmed.
21 February 2012
Lemons
When cars are deemed lemons it means they're bad. Well, what about when friends are Lemons?
I believe strongly that all people, like cars start out good. Until they give you reason to think they are not. They stop working properly and 'stall' on you. Then they become deemed lemons.
I have met way to many lemons. I want a real friend. Someone who is honest. I want a friendship that isn't just when it's convenient for them but a friendship that is 24/7. A lot of the woman I've met here seem to think I'm an idiot and treat me as such. They think they can lie and I will believe them but guess what...I am actually very smart...shocker I know...
I wish the lemons would just stay out my life and stop pretending to be wonderful people. I cannot wait to move away from this base and find people who respect and love me for everything that I am.
I believe strongly that all people, like cars start out good. Until they give you reason to think they are not. They stop working properly and 'stall' on you. Then they become deemed lemons.
I have met way to many lemons. I want a real friend. Someone who is honest. I want a friendship that isn't just when it's convenient for them but a friendship that is 24/7. A lot of the woman I've met here seem to think I'm an idiot and treat me as such. They think they can lie and I will believe them but guess what...I am actually very smart...shocker I know...
I wish the lemons would just stay out my life and stop pretending to be wonderful people. I cannot wait to move away from this base and find people who respect and love me for everything that I am.
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