Control

In our household I am the backbone. I make our meal plans, cook most nights, cut coupons, and do all of the groceries shopping. I am the one who makes everyone's appointments and has a planner as well as a calendar on the fridge to keep everyone on track and organized. I take Little Miss and Little Man to all appointments and am up to date on what is going on for them medically. I know Little Miss and Little Man's routines and hold them to them. I clean the house and keep everything organized. If something goes missing I usually know where it is. I am in charge of doing the Holiday shopping and clothes shopping. I know what size clothes and shoes the kids are wearing and I know what they still need for when they grow out of their current size. I set the family's budget and pay all of our bills. I may not be the breadwinner in our family but I make up for it by managing every bit of our lives.

This week I have been in the hospital. If you don't know what I'm talking about you can read my last post to find out why. I'd post a link for you but I'm updating from my phone so I can't unfortunately. Well, I've had to give up all of my control. I've had to let my husband step in and play the role of Mr. Mom. He is the one taking the kids where they need to go and getting up with Little Man at night. Little Man is having to now have formula in a bottle because I am not home to nurse him. I plan on continuing to nurse once I am released(pumping every two hours at the hospital so that I don't lose my supply) which gives me a bit of relief but this...is hard. I had to miss out on Little Miss' evaluation yesterday. I'm missing all of her therapy. I've only seen my kids about an hour total over the course of almost 3 days.

My heart is breaking as I lay in this hospital bed alone. My heart is aching to be with my children. I know I have to be strong and let my husband take control and be there for them but it is not easy for me. I want to be the one to hold them when they cry. I want to be the one to nurse my little man when he wakes up at night. I want to make Little Miss' lunches and take her to the potty when she needs to go. I want to see that look of pride on her face when she learns something new. I want to be there to see my little man as he begins his adventures in scooting and crawling. I want to see every smile and every laugh that comes from my children's mouths. I want to hug them and kiss them and play with them.

This week has been one of the most trying weeks of my life. I've had to have some pretty serious surgery and am having a very tough recovery. I've had to have a picc line put in my arm. I've had to have a drain coming out of my stomach to drain the infection out of me. I've been scared and alone.

I just want to go home. I want to feel good again. I want to be able to walk with ease. Even when I do go home I won't be to do the things I did before. I won't be able to pick up my babies or do much for them.

I don't understand why this happened to me and I'm having a hard time accepting it.