29 September 2011

Breaking Down...

Tonight I have broken down. I am crying. I just want to go hide in bed and not move for a week. Sometimes this military lifestyle feels like more than I can handle. My husband is gone again but thankfully this time it is only for about a week.

Tonight I snuggled my babies extra tight and tried to follow our normal bedtime routine filling in for daddy's role in our routine. We gathered in Little Man's room like always. I sat in the rocking chair holding Little Man and nursing him as Little Miss sat in front of us on the floor. Usually she sits in daddy's lap but she snuggled with Woody and her blanket since daddy is not here. Instead of reading just one or two books we spent 30 minutes reading. We read Goodnight Moon, Dora's Birthday Surprise, as well as many others. I love story time. I love that Little Miss and Little Man love listening to me read. What I love most about story time is that it is quiet time where I get to steal my family away from the craziness of life and just spend time together. Story time was not the same without husband here....and even after 30 minutes of story time Little Miss got upset because she didn't want story time to end. Her big blue eyes were sad. She misses her daddy. Little Miss and I said goodnight to Little Man and tucked him into his crib. She said to him, "I yov oo, night night" and kissed him on the head. I told Little Miss it was her turn to go to bed and she ran away into the living room. I explained to her it was time for bed. She marched into her room and fought me every step of the way. I sang a song to her that I made up when she was a baby. It's a song only her and I know and no one else..not even husband even knows about our little song. It is our little secret song. I have not sang this song to her in a long time and instantly when I sang it she was calm. She snuggled her blanket and listened carefully until my song was over. I kissed her head and explained to her how much I loved her. I silently said a prayer for her and tucked her in tight. When I shut the door she began to scream. After several tries of calming her down and putting her back in bed she was quiet and has been quiet since.

Tonight...is a night I hate this military lifestyle. I wish my husband could see how hard it is when he is gone. I can miss him and get through it but watching kids miss him...breaks my heart and makes this almost unbearable. Tomorrow is a new day and tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will be strong and wear a smile on my face even if I'm not smiling inside. I am blessed to have a husband to miss. I am blessed to have a husband who is not away from his kids because he chooses. I am blessed my kids have a dad who works so hard to provide for us.

But most of all..I am blessed to have two sets of beautiful eyes to stare into even when my husband is gone. I am blessed for those precious faces I get to wake up each morning and see. These kids are my world and they are the most beautiful gifts God could have given me.

**Writing this post took me from a crying mess to being thankful and at peace. This blog is such therapy to me.