Last night, I broke down. I hit rock bottom. I let my hormones get the best of me. I cried, I sniffled...my heart hurt. I'm not even sure what sparked it all but it hit me like a ton of bricks.
In just 3 days I will be in the hospital giving birth to my second precious baby. Before I continue I want to preface and say that I love my baby boy and I am more than excited to meet him on Monday. He is a blessing and I would not have it any other way. I love being a mom and am overjoyed at the fact I get to love on another little person and teach them about life.
I'm stressed. I'm worried. I'm guilty. For two years it has been me and Little Miss together everyday. We are almost joined at the hip. She is my other half and when I do spend time away it's no more than a few hours. When I'm without her I miss her like crazy. She consumes all of my thoughts and everything I do is for her. Monday morning I have to leave her to go to the hospital to deliver my precious baby boy. I will be gone for 2-3 days(if everything goes smoothly...I was in the hospital for 5 days with Little Miss because things did not go smoothly). I won't be able to kiss her goodnight or see her sleepy eyes in the morning. We won't be able to play or snuggle or share a snack. We won't be doing sidewalk chalk or coloring in coloring books. I realize to some I sound ridiculous because it is only a few days. Most people take vacations without their kids. But I don't. I have never spent a night away from her. I am having major anxiety and guilt over being without her. I am so afraid she will think I've abandoned her even though I know her two year old mind is not capable of feeling such. I'm so afraid I will come home and she will be upset with me...not only for being gone but for bringing home a new baby who will need my attention. I'm afraid she'll feel replaced. I'm afraid she'll think I love her less.
I hate feeling this way. I should be so happy right now and excited but instead this anxiety and guilt is consuming me. Last night in the midst of my ugly crying I called my mom. She assured me what I'm feeling is normal and when I meet my baby boy everything will change. My heart will grow and I will have even more love to give to both of my babies. She assured me that Little Miss will need to adjust for a few weeks but once she does she will love her little brother and that this little brother will make her so happy in the end. My mom said I'm giving her the gift of playmate and a best friend.
I know my mom is right. I know everything will be okay. I'm not sure why all of this is consuming me right now and I wish I could make it all go away. I have so much to do this weekend to prepare for baby boy and am trying to focus on that in hopes I can forget about all of these worries. I really cannot wait to see my baby boy's sweet face and for our family to grow a little bigger. Babies are so amazing.