16 March 2011

Jealousy

It can consume someone and turn them into a monster. It is an awful disease that can tear you apart. I know, I've been there. In relationships growing up I was never jealous. I was the girl with one girl friend and a million guy friends so I had no reason to be jealous or untrusting of guys hanging out with other girls. I was semi-confident and didn't put up with anything less than the best. I knew what I deserved. Then, I married my husband. All of the lies, the secrets, and the things he just didn't tell me hurt. I became paranoid that everything he said was a lie and constantly was investigating to catch him in lies. Jealousy began to consume me. He turned me into someone I never wanted to be. He never gave me a reason to trust him and before we were even married he had broken my trust.  The little trust I had left for him was taken away from me at 4am this morning. I went through his phone. I found awful things. It made me physically ill. I hate the jealous wife I have become but he did this. He made me this person. Between my husband and my dad getting re-married this past weekend without telling me(not to mention all of the other awful things he has done in my life) I have lost faith and trust in men. The only man I trust is God. I am broken. It is going to take so much for be to put myself back together again. I am in for a long, very hard, road and like I've said before...I'm scared out of my mind.

Jealousy. I am jealous of every other woman catching my husband's eye. I am jealous of all of you wives with good husbands. Sometimes I have to wait to read blog updates because reading about your amazing husband's makes me hurt.

Things I'm thankful for:
-my amazing daughter who constantly gives me kisses and hugs. She makes my life complete. She is my motivation for everything I do. I love her so much.
-my precious little man brewing in my belly. Every kick brings a smile to my face. I cannot wait to hold him in 12 weeks. He is so amazing and I haven't even met him yet. Babies are such blessings.
-My friends. I don't have a lot of friends. But the friends I do have are going to be lifelong. From my one long distance friend who even though she has her own struggles, is always there for me to my two girl friends here in florida. I have been so blessed with these girls. I can be myself with them and they are such big supporters in my life.

3 comments:

  1. I know what you mean when you say you're jealous of women with good husbands. My ex & may have not been married, but I was so jealous of women who caught his eye after we broke up (still am) and I get so jealous when I see my best friend and her fiancee. They aren't even married and I'm jealous of them!

    I wish I could say that it's gotten easier for me to deal with it, but almost two years later and I still can't deal with it. I hope it's better for you than it was for me because I never want a person to feel the way I felt when I was going through my break up. It's terrible.

    Sending love and prayers your way.

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  2. I have been visiting your blog everyday but dont leave comments. I HAD TO TODAY!!! sweetheart I am the most jealous person u will ever meet! and u know what i think of that ....oh well. I trust my husband, but I dont trust women. and honestly i loathe men. especially for what theyve become in the last few years with all the damn porn on the internet and all the whores walking down the street wearing nothing,, just to get the attention from these never satisfied enough pricks who can think about nothing more than about their own pricks!!! (please excuse my language n anger, but ive had enough of this shit!) it seems like EVERY guy is a sex addict and its ok cause u know "we're wired that way. its not our fault" uhghhh...when i hear this I want to castrate them and say ok now youre relieved of your demon, whats ur excuse now?. because u know even without it, they would still be the same! cause they r pricks!!!!! ...i see marriages break up everyday, children and loving supportive wives thrown into the dust because their husband/father couldnt help himself. because if he doesn't screw around with this bitch and this bitch and that bitch, they will die! if they dont go online and stare at disgusting porn sites for 3 hours they might die again. because its not enough to see 20 vagina's...NOOOOOOOO they MUST see at least 95!! cause theres millions more pics and videos to see. and how could they possibly miss out! IM SO TIRED OF THIS BEING A FUCKIN MANS WORLD!! and these whores cater to this all on top of it. so it doesnt matter u committed to this guy, bore his children, cleaned his house, fed him , washed his clothes, and the other 3 million things a real wife/woman does daily because u didnt stand in a freaking thong when he walked in and didnt throw urself on ur knees to give him a bj!!! what has this world come to?!! all the sexting, sex chats online, pleeaasseeeeee u would have to watch him alllllllllllll day to make sure he wasnt doing this stuff. IM SO SORRY for what u are going thru. it breaks my heart n i want to cry when i read your blog. u are right in that u have a beautiful healthy daughter and a baby boy on the way...give yourself to them, to God, to the good things still left in this world. dont be jealous of the "good husbands" because sweetheart there arent that many of them! half of those bragging wives...dont know the truth. even about their own men. I trust my husband but I dont also. we go thru great times and then we are killing each other, seething in hate. its all temporary. I never met ur husband, but I HATE him with a passion for being that typical prick. for all he has done to you, for all he is doing to you still. even while u are big with his baby, he still cant muster to be a real man and not a man because of his penis, but the man God intended men to be. arent they ashamed? I know God looks down on all this and wow what he must think. worthless humans. acting like animals in constant heat. disgusting. I can only imagine what u found on his phone. I know the punch in ur gut u felt when u saw what u saw. the shakiness, the crying, the fear, the anger. dont give into it. i now u still love him but he does not deserve ur love right now. let him go n be the prick he wants to be. u will find a real man, a better man when the time is right. dont let him kill ur spirit so u have nothing left for ur sweet babies. U WILL SURVIVE THIS!!! my advice...get angry, keep the anger strong. it helps me when i was going thru some of this shit once too. the anger will give u legs to stand on, dont let him see what he can do to u, that he can leave u in a pool of tears melting from pain on the floor, just because u actually loved him, u tried, u had a heart and a soul....something he can never have...not for what he is doing to u. your son is feeling ur pain in ur belly, i know i went thru it. dont do it to him. im sooooo sorry i rambled like a maniac. i couldnt hold it in anymore. GOD BLESS U AND UR BABIES. the sun will shine for u again...i promise...just hold on..

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