It can consume someone and turn them into a monster. It is an awful disease that can tear you apart. I know, I've been there. In relationships growing up I was never jealous. I was the girl with one girl friend and a million guy friends so I had no reason to be jealous or untrusting of guys hanging out with other girls. I was semi-confident and didn't put up with anything less than the best. I knew what I deserved. Then, I married my husband. All of the lies, the secrets, and the things he just didn't tell me hurt. I became paranoid that everything he said was a lie and constantly was investigating to catch him in lies. Jealousy began to consume me. He turned me into someone I never wanted to be. He never gave me a reason to trust him and before we were even married he had broken my trust. The little trust I had left for him was taken away from me at 4am this morning. I went through his phone. I found awful things. It made me physically ill. I hate the jealous wife I have become but he did this. He made me this person. Between my husband and my dad getting re-married this past weekend without telling me(not to mention all of the other awful things he has done in my life) I have lost faith and trust in men. The only man I trust is God. I am broken. It is going to take so much for be to put myself back together again. I am in for a long, very hard, road and like I've said before...I'm scared out of my mind.
Jealousy. I am jealous of every other woman catching my husband's eye. I am jealous of all of you wives with good husbands. Sometimes I have to wait to read blog updates because reading about your amazing husband's makes me hurt.
Things I'm thankful for:
-my amazing daughter who constantly gives me kisses and hugs. She makes my life complete. She is my motivation for everything I do. I love her so much.
-my precious little man brewing in my belly. Every kick brings a smile to my face. I cannot wait to hold him in 12 weeks. He is so amazing and I haven't even met him yet. Babies are such blessings.
-My friends. I don't have a lot of friends. But the friends I do have are going to be lifelong. From my one long distance friend who even though she has her own struggles, is always there for me to my two girl friends here in florida. I have been so blessed with these girls. I can be myself with them and they are such big supporters in my life.