Pretending

I dread going to marriage counseling. Every time I end up an emotional mess and here my husband say things that tear me apart inside. Outside of counseling things are fine between us. No, he doesn't kiss me or tell me he loves or show me any affection but we don't really fight. We still spend time together as a family and do fun things. It's kind of like being friends but not being married...which I hate. From an outsider it probably looks like we are happy and doing well but then we go to marriage counseling and I am thrown into tears yet again. I don't know what we're doing or where we're going. It's such an odd time right now. I just don't know what to think or what to do. Him and I have not talked about anything...the only time things are brought up is at marriage counseling. I know we need to talk and I probably should ask him what he wants to happen but I'm living in a world of denial. I don't want him to tell me to move out or that he wants to go forward with the divorce. I don't want to leave him. I want to stay here and have him love me and get ready for this new baby boy we will be welcoming to the world in just a few months. I wish I could just change the way my husband is feeling and make him want to be with me. I just don't understand what changed. Why he suddenly doesn't want to be with me...I feel so lost.