Ghosts of the Past

As most of you may know from a past post, my husband and I have begun marriage counseling. We are seeing a fabulous counselor who I was referred to by a close friend. Anyways, this past week she wanted us to each have an appointment where we come alone. On Tuesday my husband went and on Thursday it was my turn...

I was nervous and unsure of how to talk about myself and my past without actually talking about it. I knew the subjects would come up. I knew she would ask those questions. The demons I locked away inside so long ago would have to come out. The memories would come back and the things I worked so hard to forget and virtually erase from my past...they would be remembered.

When I walked into that office I felt like I was going to vomit. My hands were shaking and I couldn't stop tapping my foot. I kept my legs crossed and kept fiddling with my rings. She greeted me and brought me back to her room. I sat down on the couch with a smile...hiding my fear.

She started with simple questions about where I grew up and about my schooling. Then...came the questions I dreaded. I knew I couldn't lie. I knew I had to be honest with her, with myself. I knew eventually all of this would have to explained in detail to my husband because these things are such a big part of who I am and he needs to know my triggers. When I started talking about these events in my life I couldn't hold back the tears and after a certain point I no longer could control my breathing. I felt like the world was crashing down on top of me and all of those memories rushed back. Inside of my head I was trying to run and to hide, to tell them all to shut up. I tried to tell them that I AM GOOD ENOUGH and that I AM pretty enough. I tried to tell them but all I could hear were their insults and feel their eyes staring at me. I could hear the threats and I could feel the pain. I was that same scared little girl who turned to external pain to deal with the internal hurt.

The therapist saw me fading fast. She quickly brought me back by having me visual certain things and by coaching me through some breathing exercises. After several minutes I was back. Back to the 23 year old strong and independent mom of two.

This whole experience brought to light some new challenges in mine and my husband's relationship and the therapist assured me we will address it late with my husband.

When I left her office I was emotional and shooken up. I had to take a minute when I got in my car before driving.

It is truly baffling to me how these awful events from so long ago still come back to haunt me. It may be time for me to get some individual counseling to help me get over my past.

Even two days later I am still emotional and feeling weak....