I had a dream last night...an awful dream that brought back awful memories from my teen years. It brought back all of my insecurities and made me feel so small. It brought back the teasing and the 'never being good enoughs'. It brought back the bullying and the awful death threats. It brought back the lies and the rumors. It brought back every awful feeling I've worked so many years to forget about.
Just when things in my life are going good and I finally feel happy all these awful things come back to haunt me. To make me feel undeserving of happiness. I have so many amazing things and people in my life right now and I can feel myself beginning to push them away. It's not something I want to do but it's just happening. I can feel myself falling into a hole that I can't seem to climb out of. This hole is deep and there is no rope there to pull me back out. I'm fighting so bad to keep this from happening but I can't. I feel so insecure. My husband has been so amazing and sweet in every way but even in the midst of a romantic night all I can think about is how fat I look and the awful things we went through a few months ago. My self esteem is in the toilet and I can hardly pay my bills. I wish I could just be happy because I have so many things to be happy about. The worst part of it is is that the worse I feel the more I hate myself for feeling so bad when things are so good...it's a vicious circle. Depression is something I fought for many years when I was young and it always creeps back up at the worst times. I wish I could just be normal. I wish I wasn't pushing away all of the people I love so much.