22 March 2011

Building Trust

I do not trust my husband. Saying that, almost brings me to tears. I hope that someday that statement is not true but we have a long road ahead of us. I am this broken, crazy wife who has the desire to check up on him at all times. I have become so trained to him doing something behind my back that it is almost routine for me to check up on him. That, is sick. I hate this about myself. I don't want to be that wife. I want to know that he has my best interest in mind at all times. I want to trust him. I want to believe everything he says and know he's telling the truth. I love him. I want him to love me enough to always be honest and to comfort me when I am having trouble trusting him. I want him to understand that this is hard. He apologized but this isn't something I can just over after he says "I'm sorry". Forgiving is one thing and sure, yeah, I forgive him but the pain is still there. I still feel insecure and my self esteem is in the toilet. I am the size of whale thanks to being 7 months pregnant and feeling awful about myself. I need my husband to give me constant reassurance of his love. I need him to tell me I'm beautiful and to kiss me and hug me often. I need to know I am the only woman he sees. I feel like I am living in constant fear of him hurting me again. I can't go through that again and I need to be able to trust him not to do this again. I love him so much and I really hope I am able to get past this and he is able to help me and be understanding and supportive. This isn't easy and it's going to take so much time for me to get past this. Trust isn't easy to build up.

Last night I tried to explain all of this to my husband. He didn't seem to understand. He didn't seem to get it. I don't expect him to turn into amazing husband overnight but I was hoping for a little bit more from him. After this he went to sleep and I cried alone on the kitchen floor. Then, I cried on the couch. I cried for an hour then wiped my tears and climbed in bed where my husband was already snoring. I needed to cry and let it out. I only wish my husband was comforting me instead of getting sleep. I pray this gets easier and I pray we can work through this together.

In other news...I turned 29 weeks yesterday. Only 11 more weeks until baby boy is born and I cannot wait but with everything that has been going on the past two months I have not prepared for baby boy at all. I have so much to do! From deciding on a nursery theme to setting up the nursery and buying baby clothes....I just have a lot. I have gone into full throttle nesting mode and have been de-cluttering and cleaning my house like crazy. I want my house spotless before baby boy arrives. Completely spotless. I am planning another garage sale in april as well. Hope you all are having a fabulous week so far and I promise to have a new belly picture next week. With Little Miss I always took belly pictures and I loved the way I looked with a belly...with baby boy I just feel fat and disgusting and hate taking pictures of myself....but I need to take one next week because friends and family keep asking for one. So expect one then.


  1. I really wish you and I lived closer to each other. :( We could both use a shoulder to cry on!! I wish nothing but the best for you and your beautiful family. Losing trust in one's partner would make anybody do things they don't want to do, so don't beat yourself up over it! I would be doing the same exact thing! It's just a natural part of the healing process. Building trust back is something that's going to take a lot of work and time.

    p.s. there is no way on God's green earth that you look fat and disgusting! There is nothing more beautiful than a pregnant woman!!

  2. I just wanted to say I'm exactly in the same place right now.